Seeing the God Who Sees Me
The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
and his ears are attentive to their cry; Psalm 34:15
I have always had this internal battle of wanting to be seen and significant and isolate and hide. It's like I know at the deep-down soul level that I am created significantly, yet the rejection I have experienced throughout my life yells otherwise.
The rejection started when I was a child. You see, I have a fraternal twin sister, and in Elementary School, I was the chubby one with cropped hair and a horrible sense of style. On the other hand, she was adorable with big brown eyes, long brown hair, and a spunky attitude. I was made fun of, and though she may have been as well (I never asked, only assumed it was me), I internalized the message that I was the messed up twin. So I started the best childhood defense I could think of - fading into the background as much as possible.
Or at least I tried.
One day when I was thirteen, I'd had yet another rough day at school, and I just wanted to die. I felt like no one liked me, no one cared that I was hurting, even in my own family, and no one saw me. So I lay in bed and thought of ways to end my life. Would they notice me if I was gone, I thought. I did not really want to die; I just wanted so badly for someone to see me and not make fun of me when they did.
Suddenly, I felt God's presence in my room. It was like the air had weight, and my body started trembling in response. I felt Him grab my hand, and my spirit whispered from within, I see you, and it's all going to be okay.
Nothing in my life changed much right then. I still got up to go to middle school, where I felt ugly and uncomfortable the next day, but that moment stuck with me. You see, God would go on to rescue me from the choices I made in my super low self-worth four more times before I was 25 and truly ready to follow Him. Each time, I would reach out my hand and feel Him take it, and He'd pull me out of the pit I'd dug, only to turn around and start exploring a new one the next day.
But He always came. He always saw me and was waiting for me to turn to Him.
There's a story in the Bible about a woman with a similar story. Her name was Hagar. Hagar was Sarai's servant, and she was used by Sarai, Abraham's wife, when Sarai lost faith in God's promise to bear a son in her old age. Sarai took matters into her own hands and gave Hagar to her husband to try and bear a child for her. Hagar conceived and treated Sarai with contempt, so Sarai started treating her harshly. Hagar runs away from Sarai and their camp in despair, and the Lord sends an angel to her.
Let's go ahead and read what He says.
The Lord’s angel found Hagar near a spring of water in the desert – the spring along the road to Shur. He said, “Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?” She replied, “I’m running away from my mistress, Sarai.” Then the Lord’s angel said to her, “Return to your mistress and submit to her authority. I will greatly multiply your descendants,” the Lord’s angel added, “so that they will be too numerous to count.” Then the Lord’s angel said to her, “You are now pregnant and are about to give birth to a son. You are to name him Ishmael, for the Lord, has heard your painful groans. He will be a wild donkey of a man. He will be hostile to everyone, and everyone will be hostile to him. He will live away from his brothers.”
So Hagar named the Lord who spoke to her, “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “Here I have seen one who sees me!”
Sarai mistreated Hagar, but she was not wholly innocent either. Yet, God came to her rescue through an angel, and she knew that she was seen, understood, and loved by the God of the universe.
My story is much the same. My peers and others have treated me poorly, but I am not innocent of my choices. People have told me I am not enough. That I'm unwanted, messed up, unimportant, and unseen. Yet God sees me in my plight and rescues me again and again. Maybe your story is much the same?
In this season of healing from my past wounds, I've been thinking about that first night when I felt Him grab my hand. Regardless of what others have said and done, the God of the universe sees me. He knows me. He created me this way. Intentionally. I have seen the God who sees me, and it's time for me to fight with this truth.
Maybe you need to hear that too, beloved one. Perhaps people in your life have made you feel like you are not enough, not significant, unseen, and uncared for. Maybe you've made poor life choices that have led to even more despair. Neither of those things matters because you are SEEN. You are fully known, forgiven, and loved by the God who created the universe. He created you with intention because He wanted you. He made you exactly as you are and called you His very good masterpiece. Then, he sent His son to die for you and cover your sins.
You are seen, known, and loved by the God who sees, and it's time to believe this TRUTH.
Father you are El Roi - the God who sees, and you see me. I am one of your beloved children and am important to you. Thank you for caring for me. Help me to fight the lie that I am unseen or insignificant. I cannot be insignificant if I am seen and cared for by the maker and sustainer of the whole universe. You care for me so much that you sent Your Son to die so you could be close to me. Help me walk in that truth. In Jesus's name, Amen.
It is Written - Battlecard & Phone Screen - 2
For those struggling to believe that you are important and seen.
Or if you have heard any of these lies running through your thoughts:
No one saw all the injustice and pain I have been through.
No one knows the real me, and they may not like me if they did.
No one even cares about me at all.
Get the battlecard and screen saver and FIGHT with the Truth over the next week.
Micah, thank you for this devotional message. It sounds like we share in the struggle of how we perceive ourselves and like you, my battle began early as well. It didn’t stem from my parents but rather from teasing when I was in elementary school which progressed to intense bullying which lasted throughout high school. Because I had a loving family and great friends, I was able to withstand the onslaught but have recently become aware of just how much it affected my opinion of myself. Worse, it’s made me tolerate behavior that I should have nipped many decades ago. A very recent traumatic event brought it all to light. I’m 61 and shattered again, and God has spent the past 3 months providing me with resources to help pick up the broken pieces.
Adonai El Roi is something I’ve thought of tatooing on my heart just so I can be reminded. I love every word you wrote in this devotional and will continue to revisit it.
Oh Gwen! Thank you for writing me. I am so glad this devotional ministered to you. I wrote it after my own re-shattering. One I caused on myself. I have so often allowed others to treat me poorly due to my low self-worth as well, and now I sometimes bring it on myself because I expect others to hurt me so I hurt them first, and myself in the process. But God is doing a huge work in me.
I am so sorry to hear you have had a recent traumatic event. I pray that God will take that event and redeem it quickly and wholly. May the redemption be your full healing and freedom from the pain and wrongful beliefs you learned as a kid! God loves you. He made you as you are because He wanted you. Then He died for you because He wanted a relationship with you so badly He could endure the pain of a cross. May that knowledge become and remain forever your worth. AMEN.